After I left Karachi!

I am a 28 year old male living in the hush and bush of a western society. I came here some years ago seeking some goals but soon I lost my grip and I lost , what it seemed at that time my only hope, and since that day I have kept my head down and I have focused on my career and my life around my family. In the past few years I have hardly had time for myself it seems like I have lost my true personality somewhere. For me life is now about just keeping everyone else happy and moving on forward. I have a lovely family (mom, dad, brothers, sister) my beloved wife and my ever so adorable son.

It might sound silly for you to read this but I will write anyway. At times I am driving, walking, on a train or just stood somewhere and a thought crosses my mind why am I here? What am I doing? Am I serving the purpose of my existence? And then I think about life a few years ago when I was with in my family home in Karachi surrounded by my loving family and friends. Everyone talking and having a nice time, having dinner on dastar, special feeling about Ramadan, Eid’s and many other things.

This is where my depression kicks in. I am Alhamdulillah in a good position financially, family wise etc I have got whatever anyone would wish for but the satisfaction is not there. I tend to seek Allah’s help but I fail to pray no matter how much I try. I have tried so many times to get into a habit of reading namaaz but I fail to keep up with it. I have a very strong character and it has become even more stronger after witnessing hardships of life over the years but still in my moments of weakness break down in tears. Despite having money, my own house, a luxurious life style there is still that sense missing sense of satisfaction. Although like I said I don’t pray but I still do try to do all the other good things like Roza, Charity, Haqooq al Ebad, I don’t drink, I eat halal food and I keep myself to myself as much as I can so that I am not wasting time in anything which is listed not good by Allah but still there is this question about the reason of my existence…..

I feel that there is a bigger purpose for me to be alive and but I don’t know where to find that bigger reason. I don’t even know if anyone will have an answer to it or not but I still seek my answer. May Allah has some plans for me which are yet to be revealed I don’t know how long I can bare this inquisitiveness…….

I often sit and think,
In an empty moment of time,
Who am I? And,
What is my purpose,
Purpose of being born,
Purpose of being here,
the answer is the same silence I have been hearing for years..

Early morning knock out!

This morning I woke up in my usual good moods and got involved in my usual stuff of bugging my wife, leaving the tap open and getting told off and finally going into my son’s room to say morning to him (my son is 13 months old..). Now as you dont know about my son and his usual naughty epsiodes I will fill you in. He is 13 months but nearly crawls out of his cot everyday, he climbs on sofa’s to get to the window so that he can adore the beauties on the road, he is a fan of older women (I am ok as long as he doesnt adore men! lol) etc etc all in all he is always upto onething or another. Anyway, few days back my son fractured his left wrist due to excessive play and his high speed crawling.
This morning when I went into his room to have chat him, his mom followed me (who happes to be my beloved wife) also walked in complaining to my son that I have yet again left the tap open. My son got very excited looking at me (or he was excited that his plan was about to work) and welcomed me with open arms and I as I took him into my arms he rammed his pot onto my head giving me a completely 5 sec knockout…lol. As I recovered I could hear him and his mom  laughing their heads off and I was trying to recover the memories which fell out of my ear. To be very honest, I can still feel the bump on my head and it does hurt a little. Lol

I never thought it could hit me this hard. So what does this mean?  mom and son have already paired up against innocent me ? does it mean that my son hates to see me early morning because I take him out from his cosy cot and take him into my skinny arms ? or was he just testing the knock out effects ?

All this remains unanswered!